Good you're out!

Lar,
You finally got the balls enough and got over the inertia of Japan. I can't say how thrilled I am for you, and I want to say I am cheer leading you on in these tenuous difficult first days and weeks!

The first thing that hits home as you are noticing is the lack of a regular paycheck. It takes a while to wean off that jones. Then there are the reverse culture shock attributes--the Japan vs. the US lifestyle comparison and trepidations and doubts about making the right decision of not. Then there is the fear. Then there is loathing. Then there is some form of second guessing and depression.

But take heart--it'll all come to pass. Trust me.

Don't panic. Don't rush. Don't do something irrational, like take the first crappy thing available (I speak from experience). Snoop around. Go to museums, libraries, universities, walk the streets, check it out.

Enjoy your freedom because you took the initiative to be free, and there are, of course, concessions for freedom. But the one thing about your current situation is that you are free, so notice it, breathe it, and be in it. Don't dart around too far into the past or future, because when you are in the past or future, you are no longer able to be in the present. In reality, you can only be where you are, so stay focused on that reality. Hey--you are alive, healthy, breathing, and in Boston! No more Japan! No more inanity of dealing with that!

Try to get out of ESL. You're a smart guy. Try using your talents gained from that experience to explore other possibilites. Fuck man--You write! You teach! You know computers and its culture! You know stuff! And you're a good guy! This is all to your credit.

The toughest thing I found is that no one gives a shit about anything about you. It's hard to assimilate because no one will ask about your experience, and if they did, they wouldn't be able to ask pertinent questions, and even if they could ask good stuff, you'd tell them something and they wouldn't understand anyway. This can be frustrating. That's why I took to writing about stuff. It keeps me sane and communicating, albeit in a rather distant way, but it's been the way I realize I'm OK after all.

You'll get a good situation Lar. No doubt about it. You've put in your time developing yourself, so there is no problem for the job front. Get out of ESL and into more mainstream teaching if teaching still interests you. It's wonderful to be amongst young minds who are fully functional in language. It cuts out a lot of crap. And if you must resort to ESL to keep an income flow, do it in a university program. More rewarding being around sharp kids from around the world. But do check out other possibilities--try career counselling--sometimes they can organize your skills and attributes in ways you haven't thought about and makes it possible to enter a whole different realm besides teaching. This is both daunting and exciting--change, after all, means change! There is fear and doubt involved with any change. So keep an open mind to what's around, let go of patterns of thought you're accustomed to and see things in new ways. Let that moment of uncertainty open up and explore it. This is very, very scary... but necessary to get over the past.

Be sure to get out every day and have a walk to clear your mind. If you need to, smoke a joint, but lay off the booze or anti-depressants...they only make it worse.

Please keep in contact about how you are doing. I don't know...maybe writing out your thoughts has a cathartic effect and allows you to see patterns of behaviour from which you can learn and act upon to rectify problems before they get too big.

At any rate, welcome back!